hi, i'm a girl.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

dear father,

Dear father,
hi,
i know i said i would give you everything, but it is not easy
i mean i didn't anticipate it to be simple
but it is so difficult
there is a lot going on in and around my life
a life that is not mine to claim but is yours that you have given me
the verbal part -- saying, God take what is yours. lead me. consume me. use me. --
that was sincere, i do mean that it's just
the whole taking action part that i am struggling with
i am afraid to let go of a small portion of control because in my mortal mind i have decided that this small portion of myself that i do not give to you can be used as an out if you will
like if you decide to take me down a path i do not want to go down i can pull back on the part of myself that i still "control"
well, i don't want an out.
i am scared.
you know this.
there are dreams i want to chase and a world i want to explore
i am afraid that the dreams i dream are not realities you have for me
i am afraid that i will be stuck and unhappy
dad, i just want to be so much more than myself
people always tell me how they cannot wait to hear of all of the things that i will do, how great i am and how much that i will accomplish
what if i do nothing
what if i go nowhere
accomplish nothing
i do not want to be a joke
so, here i am. seventeen. going into my senior year of high school and
i am lost
i feel like all of my peers have everything figured out, recent conversations seem to play out like:

everyone: "Hey, Abby! Senior year!!!!1111 you ready?"

me: "Hey [everyone] ummmmm"

everyone: "it's going to be the best. i am ready to get out though. i got my ACT scores back and i only have a 35."

me: "wait.
only?"

everyone: "yeah i know. i already got into *names every school in the country* though so i think I'll be fine. what about you, where are you going?"

me: "actually i have no idea."

everyone: "oh. well you must know what you want to do, i am going to major in *something that sounds like a big deal* and minor in *something i have never heard of* what about you?"

me: "i like to write, i guess."

everyone: *walks away****

HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING FIGURED OUT?

because i cannot make a simple decision to save my life, which explains why my finger nails are currently painted different colors
i cringe at the phrase "what do you want to eat?"

i mean, i don't even know what i am going to do tomorrow

i am afraid.
why would the world ask me to know what to do with my life?
i do not know what is best for me
there are times that i think that i know
but then i fail or i turn around before i get very far because i find myself doubting whether or not what i go after was something that you chose or i did

--so rather than choosing left or right
yes or no
mint green or mermaid sparkle (referring back to nail polish here)
i do not do anything at all
which makes me a coward

i do not want to be afraid. i do not want to chose the wrong path.
i want, but i do not know what.

i am sorry i have been chasing after the world -- of course you will take me places that i cannot even fathom where i am now. I'm sorry that i am holding back. this life is yours. i trust you, i say, but i do not live like i do. help me to get over myself so that you may use me to glorify yourself. help me to fall into you, to strive for you always. forgive me for wanting so much when you have already given me a beautiful life. i pray for a soft heart and a strong faith. please teach me how to love like you love. please forgive me for acting as if i, dust of the earth, know more than you. thank you for this opportunity, this life, this time. use it, use me.

i love you forever,
goodnight.

Monday, July 23, 2012

a world that is wonderland

i like to think that dreams are simply realities we are not courageous enough to live out

like when i am asleep

i am teleported back to the world where i live the way i am too afraid to

when i am awake

a world that

aside from nightmares

i am not afraid of

a world that is wonderland

candy land

dreamland

i wake only to quickly close my eyes with the hope that i can return

to where i am who i have been too afraid to be

fear

is it falling?

in my dreams i fall but wake up before the landing

perhaps i never want to know what the end of that dream really feels like

what if

the landing never happens

because

when i am awake

i never pursue the ledge

what if at the bottom of the fall is

a collision of both my reality and my dreams

~~i am lost in my mind~~

but in my dreams i find myself

in my dreams

i am brave

and i am quick

i am cat woman

i am Katy Perry

i can fly

i travel

i am free

and i do not need prince charming but he is always available in the background

waiting for me

------ sweet dreams to you ------

or better yet

sweet realities

Thursday, July 12, 2012

(A) 'merica

i spent last week in Panama City Florida at a Christian retreat with some students from my church. we gave up our phones for the week so being without instagram i went to my instant camera.